Studied by 5 peopleThe dust had to be an inch thick on my desk. a thick layer of papers was forming around the base of the trash can. an empty bottle of scotch lay on the floor next to the couch where i had a business engagement (air quotes) the night before.
Kitty - Coffee, Sam?
Kitty wasn’t much on keeping an office clean, but she could make a great cup of coffee. I gave her a job. That was yesterday.
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San Francisco is a beautiful city… China-town, the Golden Gate Bridge, the wharf. gee, i wish i lived there.
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Being a private dick isn't easy with a name like Sam Spayed. (wahhh wahhh crying gesture) it takes a special breed to be in my line of work. It's not a pretty job. But, I've got all the requirements. I like babes and bullets… and I look good in a trench coat. (counting off the things, mayhaps crossing our arms)
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Kitty - More coffee, Sam?
It was a slow day. The hours seemed to drag by like a Cubs vs. Braves double-header. As I was leaving the office, I found myself face-to-face with one of the most beautiful creatures I'd ever seen.
Tanya - Are you Spayed?
I never know how to answer that question.
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“so, what brings you here? and why me? There are a hundred P.I.’s in town. Who are you?”
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Tanya - My husband was murdered. You're cheap. Tanya O’Tabby. WIll you take the case?
I had to think for a min- “sure!”
Tanya - How do you want your services paid, Mr. Spayed?
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“That would be great!”
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My mind took off like a greyhound after a rabbit at Raceway Park. Judging from the way she was dressed, she was obviously tapping some big bucks. Of course! it all makes sense, now. She marries an old geezer, has him killed, and inherits all the money. She hires a second-rate investigator to find the killer, who she double crosses, and ends up scot free.
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“so, how old was your husband, Mrs. O’Tabby?”
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Tanya- twenty three
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Of course! it all makes sense, now. Her husband was obviously a ladies’ man. An Irish cat is known for his promiscuous nature. Tanya finds out he's unfaithful and has him snuffed (off with their heads). She hires a second-rate detective to find the killer, who she double crosses, and ends up scot free. It's one of the oldest shams in the book.
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“So what did your husband do for a living, mrs. o’tabby?”
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Tanya - He was a priest
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Something wasn't right here.
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“Wait a minute, doll. I thought priests weren't allowed to get married.”
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Tanya - He was Greek Orthodox, Mr. Spayed. (offended)
of course, a greek orthodox priest named o’tabby. it all made sense now.
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“Call me Sam, please. What makes you think your husband was murdered?”
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Tanya - He drove off Old Mountain Road, Sam Please. He had no reason to be there.
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“go home, kid. I'll call you when I've got something.”
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My first stop was the city morgue. walking up the steps, i saw my old adversary. It was Lieutenant Theotis washington.
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Theotis - Spayed! What brings you down here? Trying to find a client?
“Sure lieutenant. He's the one your blue boys shot in the back for J-walking.”
Theotis - Watch it Spayed. I still have your license under investigation. (i'm watching you gesture)
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“oh, yeah. Well, at least I know it's safe for a while.”
Theotis - Spayed, don't push me! (pointing finger at spayed)
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“I wouldn't dream of it lieutenant. Have a nice day!”
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I walked into the morgue. I spotted an old friend, burt fleebish. He'd been working there ever since I was a snotty-nosed kitten.
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Burt - Sam, what brings you down here?
“Hey, burt, I need to see a body.”
Burt - Who doesn't, eh, Sam? What’s the name?
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“father o’tabby”
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Burt - Oh, yeah! Tough break… nice fella…
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o’tabby looked like he'd been worked over by the maulers of the midway. it didn't surprise me. what was a guy supposed to look like when he goes through a guardrail fence, and down a mountain canyon in his car. (shrugs and shakes head)
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looking down at o’tabby, i noticed some yellowish-brown coloration on his chest.
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“Hey, burt. do you have any explanation for this,”
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Burt - oh, could be almost anything. Any kind of liquid from a car can make a stain like that.
“Do you have his clothes and any items he had on him when he was discovered?”
Burt - Oh, sure, Sam. Right here.
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I searched through the clothing looking for anything that might suggest murder. right now, it looked as though poor o’tabby just had a bad break on the mountain.
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his shirt was about the only item of clothing that was still recognizable. The stains were in the same location on the shirt that they were on the body.
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There was a curious little stone in the vest pocket. it was very colorful on one side. I put the colorful stone in my pocket. I don't know why, really. Maybe I just liked stones.
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next on the list was father o’tabby’s church. I walked up the marble steps. at the doorway, i was greeted by an elderly man wearing a robe
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“Are you the father here?”
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O’Felix - Yes, but I have no children.
“what?”
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O’Felix - I'm sorry. That's a small, religious joke. Yes, I'm Father O’Felix. How may I help you?
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“I'm Sam spayed, P.I.” (holding wallet motion)
O’Felix - Nice wallet, Mr. P.I.
“i’d like to ask you a few questions about father o’tabby”
O’Felix - Certainly, Mr. P.I. Why don’t you come inside?
I entered the church and followed o’felix to the kitchen. I sat at the table as the father poured us a cup of coffee. i would have preferred to have my own
cup.
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O’Felix - What would you like to know, Mr. P.I.?
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“Call me sam.
“Do you have any idea why O’Tabby was on the Old Mountain Road last Friday night?”
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O’Felix - Yes, he was going to visit Maudie O’Purr, one of our parishioners. She is a wealthy hermit who has been ailing as of late.
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“Why was he going there?”
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O’Felix - Maudie is a big contributor to the church. Father O’Tabby called on her every Friday night to help in any way he could.
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“Does anyone else know this?”
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O’Felix - It was Maudie's wish that no one knew of his visits.
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“Did he have any enemies you knew of, father?”
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O’Felix - What are you getting at, Sam?
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“Just the facts, father.”
O’Felix - Father O’Tabby was loved by everyone who knew him, especially the female parishioners.
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Of course!
“How old is Maudie O’Purr?”
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O’Felix - Ninety-three.
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“Rats.”
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O’Felix - Sam, I meant nothing carnal by my statement. However, on more than one occasion Father O’tabby had to put a woman’s feelings in perspective
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“So you don’t think he ever gave in to temptation?”
O’Felix - Oh, no. His only weakness was coffee. I rarely saw him without a cup of it in his hand.
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“Yeah. Well, I think we all depend on a cup of Joe every now and then.
“Thanks for the information. And, no offense intended, but this is really lousy coffee.”
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O’Felix - Yes, I admit my coffee needs work, Sam. The lady that normally makes our coffee left us recently. She made excellent coffee. She’s going to be hard to replace. In fact, I find myself doing her duties more often than my own.
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“I see. Well, nice meeting you.”
It was only a few blocks back to my office
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Kitty - No calls yet, Sam. How about a cup of coffee?
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I sat down at my desk and stared at the phone. I’d better call Tanya and let her know the progress on the case.
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“Hey, Kitty. Do we have Tanya’s phone number?”
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Kitty - 555-1234, Sam.
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“Thanks”
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She has a great memory. But, why didn’t I remember that number? It’s such an easy one to remember.”
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“Hello. Tanya… Sam Spayed.”
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Tanya - Mr Spayed, what did you find out?=
“Not much, really. Look, I stopped by your husband’s church today and found out a few interesting things.”
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Tanya - Oh really, who did you talk with?
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“A father O’felix… do you know him?”
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Tanya - Of course, Father O’Felix was my husband’s assistant/
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“Kind of old to be an assistant, isn’t he?”
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Tanya - Oh, we really never thought of him as an assistant. He worked as hard as my husband with the congregation. In fact, he’s been with the church all his life.
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Kitty was setting the cup of coffee down on my desk.
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“Well. Anyway, Tanya. He mentioned your husband may have had some woman trouble at the church and…”
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CRASH!
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“Damn it. That’s hot!”
Kitty had dropped the cup of coffee on my desk and into my lap. It was hot enough to give a literal meaning to my last name. The cup had broken into several pieces.
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Tanya - Sam, hello, Sam are you okay?
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“Look Tanya, I’ll call you back. We’ve got a bit of a mess right now.” (say click, put down the phone)
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Kitty- Sam, I'm so sorry! I don't know what I was thinking about.
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“It’s okay, Kitty. Run downstairs and tell maintenance we need a mop and a bucket.”
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I could tell she was really upset about the mess. Hell, it was only coffee. Anyone can make a mistake. No problem. I’d fire her when she came back.
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I was soaked. As I took off my vest, I saw a huge coffee stain covering my shirt. Wait a minute! Coffee stains! That’s what they were. (search pockets for ceramic) A painted piece of ceramic! a piece from a coffee cup! O’tabby must've been drinking coffee, which in turn caused the accident.
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I’d better call Tanya to apologize for the interruption and to get back to the case. wait a minute. Tanya never gave me a phone number. So, how did kitty know the number? Kitty would know the number if Tanya's husband gave it to her. could she be one of the felines infatuated with father o’tabby? think spayed, think. of course! Kitty makes a great cup of coffee. so did the girl who recently left the church. the same girl i hired only yesterday. a girl who was infatuated by a man she could never have.
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so, what does she do? she spills coffee in his lap and drives him over a cliff… something is not quite right here.
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Kitty - Here’s maintenance, Sam.
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“I know you murdered father o’tabby, kitty.”
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Kitty - What are you talking about, Sam?
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“you loved him, he didn't love you, you couldn't have him. so… you snuffed him.”
Kitty - Yes, I loved him. He didn’t love me, I couldn't have him, so I…
“So you what?”
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Kitty - So I left
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“you left?”
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Kitty - Yes, the thought of working at the church, so close to him and not being able to have him was too much to bear. So, I left. But, I didn't murder him.(cring)
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“But the coffee stains… the painted piece of ceramic coffee cup?” (hold up the ceramic)
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Kitty - We talked a few nights before his death at the church. We had some coffee. He liked my coffee. He always drank from his favorite mug, Sam. This looks like a piece from that mug. I don't know how it got broke.
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“Kitty, did you have any duties at the church other than making coffee?”
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Kitty - I was father O’Tabby’s Girl Friday
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“You certainly weren't his girl saturday.”
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Kitty - Put a cork in it, Sam.
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“sorry.”
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Kitty - I sorted out his mail, answered the phone, filled his prescriptions, cleaned his robes…
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“Wait a minute! filled his prescriptions?!”
Kitty- Yes, Father O’Tabby was an insomniac. The coffee kept him awake. He needed very potent sleeping pills to help him doze off at night. I remember him bragging that one of those pills could knock out a bull elephant. It took two to put him to sleep, and that took an hour.
“kitty stay here and help maintenance clean up this mess”
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Kitty - Where are you going, Sam?
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“to pick up a murderer, baby.”
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I was packing my piece, although I didn't think I’d need it this time. It was pouring rain when I got outside. no matter. I was only going a few blocks.
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when i found father o’felix, he was kneeling before the altar. his head was bowed and his paws clasped in prayer.
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“asking for forgiveness, father?”
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O’Felix - im not worthy of being a father
“And, you don't have the equipment to be a mother.”
O’Felix - What?
“Sorry, pal, that's a small, religious joke. let's go.”
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By the time the paperwork was done, it was 8:00 PM. Lt. Washington was his usual charmer, as o’felix was being booked. It had been a long day.
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all done
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